The fight continues....

So Joseph had his appointment with the new psychiatrists in Cincinnati they agreed it was reasonable to start tapering Joseph off his medications. We started with depakote slowly working things down. A week and a half into it Joey started having "hallucinations". We followed the crisis plan we had in place and took him to the ER I worked at for evaluation. I am so thankful for the amazing people I work with who worked diligently to get him transferred to Cincinnati. That evening he was sent to the inpatient psychiatric unit. Joseph was there for 5 days and in 5 days the physicians did more than anyone had in 5 years. The psychiatrist who was overseeing Joeys care took Joey off all his psychiatric medications. It’s the greatest feeling ever to finally have someone listen. Joey is no better and no worse than he was on all the medications. Just goes to show that again the physicians should have listened years ago. It saddens me at the same time because I know as well that this truly is his baseline functioning. We have had to continue to fight for any kid of help for Joseph and honestly the blows just keep coming. We were turned down for DD services. I am so sick and tired of all of this. He doesn’t fit in some nice little box that every agency wants him to fit into in order to give him services. Joey doesn’t have a specific diagnosis and mind you after years of being diagnosed everything I certainly don’t want another label on him just for labels sake. The problem is without a label no one will help. It is exhausting! Whether he is mentally ill or brain damaged he needs help, we need help. I know the prognosis for Joseph is not good but that doesn’t mean that we don’t keep trying to get him services to help him function in society as much as possible. I don’t understand why it has to be so complicated. As if all that wasn’t enough Joseph had a major blow up several weeks ago. We were headed home after picking up Max. We were on the interstate when Joey asked me if he could get a tattoo. I asked if he meant a temporary tattoo or a real one. He said he wanted a real one. I told him that 12 year olds are not allowed to get real tattoos. That’s when it all started to go wrong. He started ripping things apart in the car and throwing things out the window; garage door opener, knobs to the radio, miscellaneous contents of my purse. I got on the phone with 911 and began pulling the car over. That’s when Joseph unleashed on me. He repeatedly struck me in the head with his fists. He grabbed at objects in the car and hit me with those, broke my glasses in half. At one point, one brief moment of clarity I believe Joey had in the middle of it all he became suicidal. Screaming at the top of his lungs “I want to die!” and trying to run out into the traffic of the interstate. It took 15 minutes for highway patrol to arrive, 15 minutes of an onslaught of an assault, 15 minutes of being completely terrified I was going to see my son die in front of me. When highway patrol got there it was a mess. The officers were very nice but how many times do you think a highway patrolman deals with domestic violence from a mentally ill kid? After much conversation the officers transported Joey to the detention center. Joseph had court the next day. It was terrible. First the court was trying to close out some of his old cases. When a kid admits to a charge in court they have to describe the details of the crime they are admitting to. Well most of these incidents were so old Joseph couldn’t even remember what happened. At the end of it all he said to the court with tears in his eyes, I want to go back to detention, I can’t control myself and I don’t want to hurt anyone. The court ordered him back to detention for the time being and a whole series of events got set into motion. Everyone was standing around trying to figure out what to do. Probation, children’s services, his advocate no one knew what they should do and everyone had a different interpretation of what was going on. I simply wondered that since everyone had a different idea why not all get together and in a room and have a conversation. It was agreed that we would all do so. Over the course of that weekend I worked. I will have a side bar at this time saying I appreciate everyone’s concern for our safety and I have concerns as well but I am entirely sick of judgment from people who think this should be a simple fix, just let Joey go. I had a conversation with someone at work that I respect and consider my friend. I know or at least hope this person had no malicious intent. The conversation basically focused on the fact that I sacrifice everything for Joseph and he will never get better and I need to let him go and focus on my other kids and husband. This person said, “You already don’t have one son living with you and that’s a choice you made, how do you think Christian feels that you picked his brother over him?” Well great, as if I don’t have enough doubt in my mind. I called my husband and was almost inconsolable that I am screwing everyone up. Paul (being the amazing person he is) said so if you gave up Joey for Christian you’d be a better parent? I look at it this way, my son Joseph is sick. He is 12 years old. He has no ability to advocate for himself. This is a child who has no control over his actions but has deep remorse for all that has happened. I will not give up on him. This is not an easy road; this is a road that is filled with heart ache and difficult discussions but this is our life. If people can’t understand or don’t want to support my choices than they can stay out of it. Anyway I will get off my soap box. The following Monday we had the BIG meeting, Probation officer and his boss, Child services caseworker and his boss, CASA and her boss and than me. In this round table discussion one thing became very clear, child services are not our friend and my caseworker’s boss has a real attitude problem. She communicated at the meeting that children’s services have already provided several services to our family and at this point feels they will not provided anything else. I simple looked at her and said “If you have done all you can do and have nothing else to offer than why are you still involved.” I don’t think that got me any brownie points. The probation department pretty much ran the meeting and took control over everything. They stated they would be doing whatever they can to provide services to us and Joey. It was decided that in order for everyone to get on the same page they all needed to hear what the doctors had to say at the same time. That Thursday we would all travel to Cincinnati to see the doctors. Thursday Joseph’s probation officer, CASA, caseworker, my husband, Joey and I all took a van to Cincinnati. What a ride that was. Joseph was going about 100 mph. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was out of detention or if he was manic. Joseph was describing this movie that they had watched in school at the detention center. Joey described everything in great detail. The very interesting thing is that no such movie was ever shown. Once in Cincinnati everyone sat at a table and had a discussion about Joseph. The doctors feel Joseph has IED (intermittent explosive disorder) and neurocognitive deficits of unknown extent. The physicians were very careful not to get ahead of themselves in diagnosis and labeling. After much conversation it was determined the best scenario would be for Joseph to be directly admitted to Cincinnati Children’s. There were no available beds on the unit at that time so we had to wait. We waited, one week for a bed to come available. In all the time we waited more prying and more hands in the cookie jar trying to say what is right for Joey. I am beyond frustrated, there are too many people involved and most either don’t know what to do or are not willing to do anything because they have already done all they can do. I don’t want to loose my son; I am worried for safety of everyone, including Joey. I don’t want him warehoused, shoved off someplace for the sake of having him someplace. I am truly concerned about Joseph becoming “institutionalized.” He seems at peace in the hospital. I think no matter how we try at home for it to be structured, it can’t be as structured as a hospital and I know Joey truly fears hurting one of us too. I am tired of everyone pushing for answers we might not have for years and years. I guess we shall see how it all plays out this time. I just don’t feel it should be as difficult as it is to get help without being judged or having to jump through a million hoops. I do feel judged, I feel judged every time someone new comes into the picture. I feel I have to show that we are truly a family who cares and loves their son. The whole situation makes my head spin honestly. I am not sure where this is going to lead but if anyone thinks they are going to shove my son away they have a fight cut out for them. Again I will certainly try to keep things better updated. I appreciate all the support from everyone.