The end... and thank you

This post has taken me a long time to write. It has taken me a long time to process through everything that has happened since my last post in 2017. This will probably be the end of this blog as chronicling the ongoing struggles with our son and the lasting effect it has had is just too much. Some of this may be very difficult for people to read and I know there are some that will judge the things that I have to say. But, at this point I say…judge away. I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of heartbreak. I am tired of disappointment. This does not mean I do not love my son. This means at this point we have done everything we possibly could to provide him with the opportunity to have a happy and successful life. He continues to make choices that lead him to nowhere and cause him nothing but misfortune. So as we approach his 18th birthday we have had to draw a line in the sand and stand firm that no matter how much we love him and no matter how much we don’t want anything bad for him we cannot continue to watch him self destruct or continue to have his choices rip this family apart. For the better part of the last year and half Joseph has decided he didn’t need to take his medications anymore. For those of you who know Joseph you know that even when medicated things are difficult. We have explored the option of long acting injectable antipsychotics to at least attempt to make compliance a little better. However, insurance will not cover any of those currently on the market and the out of pocket costs are outrageous. Last year we were informed that Joseph was going to be a father. Not exactly something we initially celebrated. But we had to accept that this was going to happen regardless of what we thought, so we rallied the troops to find every possible way to support him, his girlfriend, and their son. When Liam came into this world, we fell in love with him instantly. We wanted nothing more to surround this little boy with love, support, and stability. And we did. We did for six months. Not just him but Joey and his girlfriend. Often putting aside our own needs and our other family members to do so. We did all this just to watch it come to an inevitable and ugly end. As of April 5th, 2019, we have not had any contact with Liam and neither has Joseph. We met with a lawyer and certainly can fight to see him. However, after much discussion and soul searching, we realized this would be a financial and emotional rabbit hole we could not venture down. Judge away people, judge away. First, how could we fight for Joseph’s rights when he is not and has not been doing anything to show himself as a stable competent parent. More to come on that later. Second, even if we did gain rights we would forever be tied to his girlfriend and her family. They are destructive people, and this would never improve. So, we put ourselves in the position of waiting for the next time they don’t get their way or upset, and they pull Liam from us again. The loss of him in our lives is agonizing but we know would be significantly worse if even more time passed with him in our lives and to lose him again. And yes, we could fight and keep fighting but at what cost to our marriage, our other children? Some of you may say you fight anyway. But as I said at the beginning, I am tired, and I want some peace in my life. Now, if Joseph gets his shit together and stops going to down a path of self-destruction, we would gladly aid him but at this time I do not see this happening. Other than Joseph stopping his prescribed medications he has made several other caustic choices. At the beginning of November, he and his girlfriend had an argument. I was home working and tried to intervene in the quickly escalating situation. I unfortunately did not act fast enough. Joseph was enraged and volatile. I had to make a choice to secure the safety of Liam and Joseph’s girlfriend. I rushed them into our bedroom (the only room with a lock) and called for the authorities to come. While on the phone with dispatch Joseph took every bottle of medication we had. This included nearly full bottles of his antipsychotic, ADD medication, antidepressant, Tylenol, ibuprofen and several other medications. By the time the authorities and EMS arrived he was on the floor of the bathroom gasping for air and virtually unresponsive. Meanwhile, his girlfriend and 2-month-old son were feet away in my bedroom. She was hysterical and I just kept saying to her “it’s ok, everything is ok”. I am truly grateful for my dear friend Melissa who came to my aid with no questions asked to sit with Joseph’s girlfriend and the baby until my husband could get home while I went to the hospital. They stabilized him and transferred him to Cincinnati Children’s for medical monitoring over the next several days to ensure his kidneys, liver and heart recovered before transferring him into inpatient psych. Did I mention that 4 days after this incident I had to go into major surgery for myself? Oh yeah, no stress at all. Anyway, Joseph did recover physically but I know he hasn’t ever recovered mentally. Sure, there have been bright spots at times. He secured a job on his own and was working like crazy. He seemed focused and goal oriented and all of us thought oh good this is it we’ve turned a corner. But that lasted about 3 weeks and when it ended, we were in worse shape. Joseph virtually stopped participating at school. A program we fought to get him into. He was suspended several times. He refused to find work, began hanging out with other troubled kids. He has been disappearing for days on end only to show up at home smelling like a homeless person. When he is home, he treats everyone like garbage and then disappears again. We made arrangements with the school district to allow him to complete his coursework online. He is only a few courses short of credits for graduation. I worked with his grandparents (who are all teachers) on a schedule to work with him to complete these courses. He could have his high-school diploma by July if he just sat down and did the work. But despite all the accommodations and support he continued to run around, disappear for days, and do god only knows what else. He skipped out on court order community service and violated a court order to attend and participate in school. So, after several weeks his probation officer filed charges and off to court we went. The magistrate saw through his excuses and sent him to the detention center, and I am glad. I mean I am not I am not happy that this is where he is but given the alternative, I know he is safe, we know where he is, and he has no choice but to do his schoolwork. Believe it or not this is the abridged version of events. This has been a long and difficult year. I am so thankful for the friends in my life who have been a support and presence through all of this. I am grateful for my husband who has endured this mountain with me. In the end we love our son and will forever be here for him when he wants to make changes in his life. But until than we must distance ourselves and hope that one day, he wants a different life than the path he is on.