In the wake of the tragic events that occurred this week I feel it important to share how that effects our family. While many might have to answer the questions of their children asking " Am I going to be safe at school?" or "What if someone like that comes to my school?" But in our family every time one of these tragedies happens I have to answer the question " Am I going to be like that?"
You see what Joey hears is that these bad people where sick in the head. Joey knows he's sick and knows he can be violent. So while trying to process all the events that happen I have to convincingly tell my son that "No, that won't be him." When in all reality I don't know.
This might not be the politically correct thing to talk about but I am going to put it out there. I really don't know what the future will bring for my son. I know that the older he gets the less control I have to ensure he takes his medications and goes to the doctor. I know I can instill in him day after day how important it is to take his medications but when he is old enough there will be nothing I can do. I know how devastating the last weeks events were but my mind does not just go to the victims of the crime but to my son and how I have no way of knowing if he will slip into a dark future.
Now I don't think of this daily or even monthly but the thought is there. Everyone can say, "your doing all you can for Joseph" and "it's different." But if I am honest with myself, it's not. Joey has been so psychotic at times he didn't know who Paul and I were, he thought we were poisoning him and he's "protected" himself with weapons. We continue to struggle everyday with Joseph. We tell him all the time how much he is loved and how many people care for him but in the end I don't think that is enough.
Who knows what lies ahead of us but I will say if there are not changes to the mental health system in this country events like this will continue to happen. My greatest wish is that Joseph is not only protected from acts like these but that he will never be the one who causes such sadness.
