Round and round we go

So Joseph has been at the residential since the first week in January. I would like to say he is getting better but I can't. The staff keep trying to give me hope but I feel lost. I keep trying to put on a strong front that this is where he needs to be and he is going to get better but I don't know what to think anymore. Nothing much changes from day to day. Some days are better than others but I feel something has to change soon. When he entered the facility he had court dates set because he was facing charges stemming from the last incident at our house. He was assigned a public defender and had a competency evaluation ordered. Last week Joseph had court and it was determined that they had found Joseph competent. I am not sure how to feel about it. Part of me knows this might help Joseph because the court can order treatment and evaluations etc however to sit in court and hear that my son knew what he was doing that day and knew it was wrong but did it anyway hit me like a ton of bricks. Anyone who has been with Joseph since the beginning of this mess will tell you how it has changed. Joseph's episodes used to be blind range and delusion in which you could see he had no control over what was going on or at times any idea where he was but now, now its different. He is calculated in his actions and at times even has a smile on his face when he is in the middle of a violent outburst.

I want them to start all over. He has been on this medication regiment for almost 2 years and not only has he not gotten better but he has gotten worse. The ramifications of my choices for my son way heavy on my heart and mind. What is this doing to his body and brain development? Is any of this making things better because it certainly doesn't appear to. Unfortunately this is a area of medicine that has little research especially for children, we don't know what the long term effects will be.

We visit Joseph every week and some visits are better than others. He is sometimes very happy and joyful and other times is so angry at me. He blames me you know.... He says I've put him there, I have done this to him. The times I really have to bite my tongue is when he tells me he wishes his real father were here because he wouldn't have let me put him there. Oh my gosh child if you only knew.

Joseph can not manage on any level. He is unable to maintain in school, home or in public. At this point in time he is restricted to the ground because he had a violent outburst off property with staff and put himself and others in danger.

As difficult as it is to have him home it is also very difficult to have him away. I have no control or knowledge of what is happening all the time. I know I need to learn to let go a little but this is my child and I can't make him better. My heart is heavy right now and on top of Joey's struggles Christian is struggling as well and I cant be there for him. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I know what most of you will say is that I am doing the best that I can but when you cant help your children its hard to feel that way.

The ray of hope.... Joseph has a neuropsych evaluation at the end of May. I hope with the in-depth testing they perform we will have some new understanding of what we could be dealing with or how to help Joseph.  Until that time we just take it day by day and pray that we will see some changes soon.